What I've learned

Ryan and I spent the evening last night at a car dealership in Salt Lake shopping for a wheelchair accesible mini van. It was something that we have been thinking a lot about and preparing for. As always with spending time at the dealership, there was a lot of time left sitting on the couch to reflect on things while the salesmen worked on details. As I sat there, I had a lot going through my mind. I thought about the fact that it has been ten years since Ryan and I met. I thought about how dramatically our lives have changed over the past ten years. Ten years ago, I never thought I would be a mini van person, let alone own a van that would accomodate a wheelchair. But I thought a lot too about the last few years and what we've grown since joining the "club" of special needs parents.

I've learned so many things from this angel daughter of mine. I've learned love that was stronger than my heart was capable of feeling. I've learned the right way to hold her, console her when she's inconsolable, to do her hair when she can't keep her head up straight, to dress her and bathe her when her body is tight and she can't do it for herself.

I've learned it's okay to lean on others when I get frustrated. I've learned it's okay to vent. I have a few dear friends and loved ones who are my sounding board at times and to them I am incrediby thankful. I've heard that when you become the mother of a special needs child, you learn who your friends are. People you barely know become close friends and confidants, and people you've been friends with for years become acquaintances. I've learned to be so thankful for those who love my daughter and love me and can handle the times when I just need to talk.

I've learned it's okay to cry. I still have those times, quite often. I still mourn from time to time the loss of the idea of a normal childhood for my girl. I cry sometimes when I see her struggle to keep food down and feel uncomfortable. I cry sometimes when I think about my daughters being 14 months apart but not able to play together in the way that two other sisters might.

But I have also learned to adjust, to be thankful for what I have. I have learned what it is like to have an angel in my home. I've learned to take absolute, pure joy out of beautiful smiles, sweet laughs, and having the most cuddly little girl I know. As a family, we have learned not to let our situation stop us from doing things we love to do together. Kate is just as much a member of our family as our other children are, and we want her to participate in everything.

I've learned it's okay to be excited about watching Eli advance past the developmental age of Kate. At first, I felt guilty about it. But Eli is his own person and each milestone deserves excitement. I have learned to love all my children equally but in different ways.

I am learning (still working on this one) that I need to take care of myself. That I am no good to any of my children if I am stressed out, exhausted, out of shape, or not spiritually strong.

But in may ways, I've learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I've learned that I can carry a 25 lb child up and down the stairs, into her wheelchair, I can throw that wheelchair in the back of the car like it's nobody's business. I can stay up through the night tending to my child when she can't stop throwing up or is having seizures. I can argue with doctors and insurance companies, even when it's not in my nature to argue. If it benefits my child, I can do it!

Though it's a path we did not know we would face when we met, so care free and innocent, 10 years ago, I wouldn't change this path that we are on. I have learned each day to love my life and the cards that have been dealt to me. I have learned the meaning of the phrase "Come what may and love it". And for that, I'm thankful.