Funeral

Jaime's funeral was yesterday, it was a beautiful and touching tribute to him. He is an amazing man and we will miss him so much. We are so thankful for the time we got to spend with him in our lives and the memories we have of him. We will miss him every day. We ask for prayers for his sweet wife Amy as she goes on without her husband. We love you Jaime!

Jaime

Our brother in law Jaime lost his 10 month battle with brain cancer today. Our hearts are so full and we will miss him so much. He has shown such amazing strength and bravery through the whole thing. Our comfort is in knowing that he will be welcomed by Jake. My heart aches for our sister Amy, who has shown unconditional love and amazing compassion to her sweet husband for the last year. We pray that she will be comforted and continue to feel Jaime near. At times like this I am so thankful for my knowledge of an eternal plan. Jamie always amazed me with his loyalty, friendship, great sense of humor, protective instincts, and love. We love you Jaime.

What I've learned

Ryan and I spent the evening last night at a car dealership in Salt Lake shopping for a wheelchair accesible mini van. It was something that we have been thinking a lot about and preparing for. As always with spending time at the dealership, there was a lot of time left sitting on the couch to reflect on things while the salesmen worked on details. As I sat there, I had a lot going through my mind. I thought about the fact that it has been ten years since Ryan and I met. I thought about how dramatically our lives have changed over the past ten years. Ten years ago, I never thought I would be a mini van person, let alone own a van that would accomodate a wheelchair. But I thought a lot too about the last few years and what we've grown since joining the "club" of special needs parents.

I've learned so many things from this angel daughter of mine. I've learned love that was stronger than my heart was capable of feeling. I've learned the right way to hold her, console her when she's inconsolable, to do her hair when she can't keep her head up straight, to dress her and bathe her when her body is tight and she can't do it for herself.

I've learned it's okay to lean on others when I get frustrated. I've learned it's okay to vent. I have a few dear friends and loved ones who are my sounding board at times and to them I am incrediby thankful. I've heard that when you become the mother of a special needs child, you learn who your friends are. People you barely know become close friends and confidants, and people you've been friends with for years become acquaintances. I've learned to be so thankful for those who love my daughter and love me and can handle the times when I just need to talk.

I've learned it's okay to cry. I still have those times, quite often. I still mourn from time to time the loss of the idea of a normal childhood for my girl. I cry sometimes when I see her struggle to keep food down and feel uncomfortable. I cry sometimes when I think about my daughters being 14 months apart but not able to play together in the way that two other sisters might.

But I have also learned to adjust, to be thankful for what I have. I have learned what it is like to have an angel in my home. I've learned to take absolute, pure joy out of beautiful smiles, sweet laughs, and having the most cuddly little girl I know. As a family, we have learned not to let our situation stop us from doing things we love to do together. Kate is just as much a member of our family as our other children are, and we want her to participate in everything.

I've learned it's okay to be excited about watching Eli advance past the developmental age of Kate. At first, I felt guilty about it. But Eli is his own person and each milestone deserves excitement. I have learned to love all my children equally but in different ways.

I am learning (still working on this one) that I need to take care of myself. That I am no good to any of my children if I am stressed out, exhausted, out of shape, or not spiritually strong.

But in may ways, I've learned that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I've learned that I can carry a 25 lb child up and down the stairs, into her wheelchair, I can throw that wheelchair in the back of the car like it's nobody's business. I can stay up through the night tending to my child when she can't stop throwing up or is having seizures. I can argue with doctors and insurance companies, even when it's not in my nature to argue. If it benefits my child, I can do it!

Though it's a path we did not know we would face when we met, so care free and innocent, 10 years ago, I wouldn't change this path that we are on. I have learned each day to love my life and the cards that have been dealt to me. I have learned the meaning of the phrase "Come what may and love it". And for that, I'm thankful.

6 Months

Our baby boy is turning 6 months old this week. He is such a little love, and so much fun! He constantly entertains us and we are amazed all the time at how sweet, mellow, and loving he is. He loves to be cuddled and held and loves to play with his sisters. Maren sings and talks to him and he cracks up laughing for hours, and Kate and him love to lie together on the floor and he talks to her and tries to hold her hand. He is not sitting just yet but we feel he is close. He is saying "ma ma ma and da da da", we like to imagine that he means it. He rolls constantly and has been for a few months, but is finally enjoying tummy time. He loves to play with toys. He is a big boy still and I think he will outweigh his sisters before too long. I am just so in love with this little guy.

The Meaning Behind the Word

My sister in law shared a post on Facebook this week about a mother who has a mentally disabled daughter and how the use of the “R” word has impacted her life. Like this mother, I have developed a strong dislike for the word “retarded”. I hear people use it on a daily basis to explain something that is negative, something that they don’t like, to make fun of something, including themselves. And every time I hear it, I cringe inside. I don’t say anything, but it stings a little. I really, really hate the word and how people say it so lightly. Of course it takes loving someone who has mental disabilities to have that word take on a new meaning for them.

So I’m so thankful my sister in law shared this on Facebook, and I wanted to share. I would hope that people would think before they use the word. I have shared a link to the blog article for anyone who may be interested in reading it

http://phoebeholmes.com/2011/12/23/being-retarded/

New Year!

Someone got to stay up to midnight for the first time this year... and she loved it. We had a great New Years Eve, we made home made mini pizzas, watched movies, hung out as a family, and then did fireworks at midnight. We froze our butts off outside in the freezing cold wind, but it was a great time.

2011 was a good year in many ways for our family. The best part was welcoming out little Eli into our family. It was hard in some ways too. But I'm looking forward to 2012 and fresh starts. I am excited to get healthier, it's time to start shedding the baby weight. And one big goal I have for myself this year is to stop stressing myself out so much. I want to start enjoying time with my family more and not letting myself wake up in the night thinking about things that are out of my control. How I'll accomplish that goal, I'm not sure, but I'll figure it out.

I hope you all have a healthy and happy 2012!

Christmas

Christmas was beautiful this year and we loved spending time together as a family. We went to my mom and dad's for our traditional Christmas Eve dinner, then spent Christmas day together as our small family. The kids loved their presents. Sunday night we spent with the Hoffman family and we were thrilled that Jaime was able to be there with us. Yesterday was very relaxing, and last night we went to a fun arcade in Salt Lake where Ryan and Maren played for hours! I love the holidays and I'm really sad to see them pass us by. But I'm looking forward to the New Year and new goals and new things. I hope everyone had a great holiday!

Festivities

This year has been surprisingly calm without a large overload of the Christmas activities that we usually have this time of year.. But we have had some fun lately spending time with family with a lot more to come this weekend. It has been fun this year because this is the first year where Maren really understands Christmas. The night of Halloween after she was done trick or treating she was already begging us to put up the Christmas tree. She loves all the lights and decorations. Maren even helped put up most of the ornaments.
We had fun last weekend at Ryan's family Christmas party which is always a big event.
Here's Eli and his cousin Lola who is six weeks older than him. He outweighs her by 5 lbs. My baby boy is a little tank.
Maren's preschool had a fun little program where they performed the Nativity, had treats and did fun Christmas crafts. I do love this time of year!

Temple Square

We spent the afternoon yesterday meeting with Kate's neurologist at Primary Childrens Hospital. The appointment went well and while we didn't get answers to some questions it did rule out some concerns. Afterwards we took the kids down to Temple Square. I forgot what a fiasco it is getting three kids dressed up in warm clothes, but it was a hit! Maren absoutely loved it, Eli was perfect, and Kate lasted for as long as we expected. We had a wonderful time being together as a family.

Laughing!

Ryan will probably kill me for sharing this video, but I have to show what a cute bond these two guys have. He gets Eli to laugh every single night and Eli's laugh is the cutest sound ever!

Cousin sleepover

These two girls are peas in a pod, Maren and my niece Sarah are best friends. Sarah is two days older than our little Katers. Sometimes when I watch these girls I'm so glad they have each other. We had Sarah, her brother JB, and my dad spend the night last night after our extended Karren family party. It was a lot of fun, my dad and Ryan stayed up until 2 am watching the Wisconsin football game. My dad told me this morning when he went up to bed he found that Maren and Sarah had snuck into the playroom and were playing until 3 am. Man, does that bring back memories of my own cousin sleepovers when I was a little girl. It was so fun having them all stay over. I love having a full house.

A Glimpse

My friend Lisa Harbertson did another beautiful photo shoot of my girls. I asked her to do something to match Eli's newborn shoot we had done right after he was born. She didn't dissapoint... this picture is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I was actually in tears when I saw it because I felt it was beautiful of both girls, but I was also getting a little glimpse of the spirit that was inside sweet little Kate. I adore both of my girls! More to come on my Christmas cards which will be going out soon!

So much to be thankful for

This is the view from our back yard of a beautiful sunset this past week. I love where I live.

Life has been so crazy busy the last few weeks. We have had a lot going on with our jobs, church callings, family, Kate starting preschool, and other things. But I am trying to slow down today to reflect on those things that I am thankful for at this time of year.

First and foremost, I am thankful for my amazing and sweet family. We are going through tender times right now as my sweet brother in law Jaime is struggling through the final stages of his brain cancer. He is now home from the hospital and hospice care has been called in to help him and make him as comfortable as possible. This man is so amazing. His strong, wonderful personality still shines through. When we have been able to see him he is just his typical self. We are going to spend some time with him during the holiday weekend and can't wait to tell him how much we love him and just be with him. I hate to watch him suffer, but as a family we are strengthened by how much we all love each other. I am so thankful to my extended family as well as Ryan and my three beautiful children. Maren is growing every day and is such a source of light for us. Kate is doing wonderfully, she is loving school, and has been putting on much needed weight. She has been happy the majority of the time. Eli is just my little love-bug. He is happy, sweet, and the most perfect baby.

I'm thankful for the beautiful place we live and our friends and neigbors. This valley is home to me now. I don't really want to leave it. I love the friendly, small town mentality and I love the friends we have made here. I have had the opportunity to grow a lot by teaching Relief Society to the women in our ward. I learn so much from these women and hope I am able to help them learn more in return.

I'm thankful for my job and for the way that they have stuck with me through thick and thin. I am so thankful for the way they have let me work out of my home so I am able to spend the majority of my time with my children and especially tend to Kate's needs. I'm also thankful for Ryan's job and that he has been secure and well loved there.

I'm thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The more I learn as I prepare these lessons, the more I love it. The more I know it's true.

I hope all my loved ones out there have a wonderful and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Big Girl

Well, Kate survived the first day of preschool and her birthday and so did I! My tears were flowing as they loaded her on the bus yesterday. I didn't know how she'd do, since she had a bit of a rough morning. But she really seemed to enjoy it. The kids in her preschool class are just precious. When I went to pick her up they all said "Bye Kate! Happy Birthday Kate!" Melted my heart and gave me a lot of comfort. My heart was full all day for my sweet girl and just thinking about how much she means to our family. Ryan and I took all three kids to the doctors for their immunizations and wellness visits yesterday afternoon. Kate was the biggest champ of all with the least of the tears after the shots!

Happy Birthday Kate!

I am a bit emotional tonight thinking about Kate turning three years old, tomorrow. You see, Kate is my sidekick. She doesn't ever leave my side. While I have some help with Eli and Maren while I work, Kate is never far from me. I have been so blessed for the past three years to have this beautiful girl be with me every day and I have loved having her here to cuddle, hold, and love. Tomorrow, my baby girl graduates from Early Intervention and will head to the Special Needs preschool. The bus will come pick her up and for the first time in her life she'll be away from me for a few hours every day. I'm nervous for many reasons, how will she be at school, will she be fussy, will she cry? Will they know how to handle her and will they give her the love that I can give her?

I think back to the last three years and what a roller coaster it has been for our family. I think of the surprise of finding out we were expecting Kate when Maren was only 5 months old. It was a scary but exciting time. The thrill of Kate's birth; this beautiful baby girl who would change our lives and hearts forever. The pain we felt when we learned that things would not be as we expected with her. The thrills and pains of watching her learn to struggle to do small things that come so easy for other children. But mostly, I think about the amazing love that has grown for this little girl over the last three years. I didn't know my heart could stretch in so many directions.

What a gift she is to our family. I find myself thanking God for her every day. I am so incredibly proud of this little angel girl. So, as she leaves my side for the first time tomorrow, I am praying that she will be happy and enjoy her school experience. She got a beautiful father's blessing from her daddy last night, and afterwards I felt overcome with comfort that she is going to continue to bless more and more lives as she attends school.

Happy Birthday to my little champion!! I love you Katers!!

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Halloween 2011

Mama's Boy

I am just so smitten with this little man. I am now realizing what the term Mama's boy means. . Eli has entered into that fun age where he is finally awake for long periods of time and he is all smiles. He has been rolling over multiple times a day from his back to his stomach and can't figure out how to get back over, then he gets really frustrated. He is also a thumb sucker, which drives Ryan crazy. He pulls out his thumb only for Eli to put it right back in. He is so wonderful. Kate loves him and calms down whenvever she is next to him. It's strange to me that Eli is only three months old but I feel like we've had him in our family forever. I just adore this little guy.

The Punk of Epic Proportions

Maren has been such a proud big sister since Eli was born. She loves feeding him and helping us out. But at the same time, she has been a bit naughty lately. Ryan told me that I should write down some of the things she has been saying and doing so we can remember them later. There are a couple of doozies... So here goes.

--She is fascinated watching me fix Eli's formula with water in his bottle. So one day I was tending to Kate, when I came out and saw her feeding Eli a bottle. I could immediately tell it was not Formula that she had mixed together and I started to freak out. To my shock I realized she had mixed two scoops of Miralax (that we stupidly left out within her reach) and fed it to Eli. Thankfully most of it didn't blend with the water and had floated down to the bottom of the bottle. But the next day was NOT pleasant. Poor baby!! (and poor me, for changing the diapers)

--She has found it hard to share at times. One day we were driving in the car and she saw that Kate had a clip in her hair. She told me she wanted to wear the clip. I told her it was Kate's turn to wear the clip. So later that afternoon, they were together in the living room and I was finishing some work in the office. I came out and noticed hair all over the place. She had literally cut the clip out of Kate's hair with the scissors, and all of Kate's hair with it. She now has an inch of bangs that she didn't have before.

--She loves purses and has them all over the house. She probably has about 6 of them. I find them lying around and if something is missing from the kitchen or the bathroom, I can usually find it in one of Maren's purses.

--She loves changing clothes and still probably changes outfits multiple times each day. I find clothes all over the house.

She is so fun, even with her funny quirks that she is going through lately. She is loving her preschool and having fun with her new friends. We love this girl!

Much Needed!

Ryan and I spent the weekend up at Snowbird. It was a much needed getaway, and we left the kids with Ryan's mom who graciously offered to watch them. It was heavenly, after the long couple of weeks we have had. We enjoyed a beautiful room at the Lodge with a balcony and a view of the mountain, dinner, yummy brunch, sleep, and piece and quiet. Thankfully the kids were good for Grandma and Grandpa. I have learned that having a newborn and sometimes special challenges with my kids makes it hard to really connect. So we were so thankful to have this weekend away to just be together. It had snowed the day before so it was beautiful with the snow on the fall leaves. Today we took the kids to see the witches at Gardner Village. Maren loved it, Kate loved being outside, and Eli slept in the baby backpack the whole time! Good times.
(On our balcony in our room.)
(The beautiful view from our room.)
Further up the canyon, so many pretty leaves.
The only witch Maren wasn't scared of!
Kate enjoying the fresh air.
Witch's nails!